See then you read all these inspirational posts and quotes and they are supposed to make you feel better but they stir up those memories, those old emotions that you wish you could suppress better and you start feeling worse and worse but you can’t stop reading them hoping that you might find one to make you feel a glimmer of hope in the dark expanse you see yourself in.
So something that none of you really know about me is just how fucked up I am in the head. This is a disclaimer that the following post is personal, will contain swearing and some possible uncomfortable subject matter so if you don’t want to read this just keep scrolling. Thanks.
So I’m just going to be blunt. I’m fucked up in the head. More than even I know. I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me but i’m on meds for depression but that doesn’t seem to be enough because on occasion I go into these crazy episodes where my brain which normally moves pretty fast gets cranked into overdrive and I honestly can’t handle it. My skin goes numb and feels like it’s burning at the same time. I feel like someone is probing my brain with burning hot needles leaving me huddled in a ball squeaking and screaming holding my head like I’m trying to keep it from exploding which is what it feels like it would do if I let go. During one of these episodes for whatever reason to try and distract myself from my brain I started biting my hands to try and get myself to feel physical things again. Well you can imagine that I ended up freaking out more because even thought I did draw a little blood in some places I still couldn’t feel. It took me getting high with a couple friends to slow down my mind enough so it was back to normal functioning. I also discovered that during the weed dry spell that I’ve had and yes I do smoke weed fairly regularly. Not from dawn till dawn the next day just each night I smoke a little bit because it slows down my head and the million mile an hour thought process I normally have going on in my head. So if you have problems with that please send me hate mail tell me I’m wrong I don’t really give a fuck because if I don’t have just that little bit I can’t sleep. I physically cannot sleep. I was up until 3 am after being in bed since 11 pm it took me until around 3:30 am to fall asleep and then luckily I didn’t have anything to wake up for the next day so I managed to get a few solid hours in before I woke up at 11 am the next morning. So please tell me I’m fucked up, because you would be reiterating what I already know. Please tell me I’m a druggie because I know this. Tell me I need help because I sought help I actually see 2 different professionals and they aren’t helping too much. I need to tell them about what happened this weekend and watch them try to either play it down, or be shocked at how bad this has gotten that it’s now impeding my ability to do work. I seriously want to run as fast as I can as far as I can but you can’t escape the problems in your head now can you. Well the other option would be to off yourself but that isn’t something to even joke about and something that I have considered and come to the conclusion that I could and would never do such a thing for personal reasons that I am not ready to disclose. So go for. Attack, defend, sympathize, empathize. It’s you’re life do what you will but this is a window into a snippet of what my life is.
I’m actually so far behind in my studies it’s ridiculous. I have so many readings to do, I have papers and midterms I need to do, and I need to keep up in all my classes. On top of all that I work 2 jobs and volunteer through my university. Can someone just pause time for me? Pretty please? I need sleep, a small mental breakdown, and food. These things are the things that I have given up in order to maximize the time I need to do my work. So yea I’ll need a new brain, legs, and brain. Did I mention I need a new brain? Mine is currently fried like eggs on toast.